I’ve been training my whole life for this moment. Honing my skills as opportunity arose. Preparing to emerge as the victor – unscathed, stronger, more vigilant.
I am a Level 10, Black Belt, Ninja, DefCon1 combat-tested germaphobe. I’m also a former kindergarten teacher.
As we’re now in the second week of state mandated shelter in place, I’m realizing I’m not doing anything THAT much differently. Like I’ve always been one who hyper-hand-sanitizes. I regularly use no less than six wipes to scrub the shopping cart handle. I shamelessly pour Purell on my airplane tray table and armrests (while Dave pretends we’re not together). I stay limber so I can open public doors with one foot. Years ago at a grade level team meeting, my teammate – who admittedly had a cold – needed to use my laptop after which I sprayed it generously with sanitizer. My other teammate looked at me shaking her head saying “It must be hard being you.” One of my proudest mom moments came last week when Natalie said “You have prepared me well, mother.”
As I am sitting here at my kitchen table alongside a half-completed puzzle and dinner on the stove at 2pm (I’m hungry all the time now – Natalie calls it boredom hunger), I’m doing what I said I wouldn’t do until the end of the month. Blog and post. As with some previous years, I’ve used the month of March as a social media “spring cleaning” of sorts. Fasting from posting. It started years ago in my third grade class when students were talking about what they were giving up for Lent. Some said candy or TV. One said video games. This kid was particularly determined. I asked if I could check in with him every day to see how it was going. He said yes. Impressively, this student made it to Easter and reported how good it felt that he did something he knew would be hard but that God helped him and surprisingly, he didn’t really miss those video games. I was inspired by this third grader.
Well, I picked a fine time to take a social media break, didn’t I? March came in like a momma T-Rex on her third day without coffee.
I had to make an exception to my “posting fast” last week when we were suddenly faced with the harsh reality that all restaurants, ours included, had to go to take-out only mode. Had to post on our Instagram and Facebook pages to let people know we were doing carry out ONLY. Not that I wanted ours or any restaurants to completely shutdown, but in the back of my germaphobic OCD mind, I kept thinking “but someone STILL has to touch the food.”
Our businesses are in Indy which means we travel back and forth. A lot. Well, mostly Dave. And by “a lot,” I mean like two or three trips every month. He’s there right now and was supposed to fly home tomorrow, but that flight got cancelled which he rebooked for this Saturday, March 28th. And then he’s scheduled to fly back three days later on April 1st. In my FaceTime call with Dave last night, I laid out the plan for how I was going to pick him up from the airport with N95 mask on, douse Purell on him before entering the car, then upon stepping over the threshhold of our apartment doorway, how he would strip down (not in the sexy way) and place all his clothes in a plastic bag, run directly into the shower whilst holding his breath, followed by me Lysoling his every step. No joke.
There’s a huge ripple effect going on all around deeply affecting every part of our lives. When the nation instituted “work from home” for most companies, the campuses at which we served daily lunches complied, which obviously meant no more lunch service. Our restaurant that serviced these corporations could not sustain the loss of income. We closed the restaurant permanently March 16th. There’s a lot that goes into opening a restaurant, but perhaps, even more closing one. With as much positive, upbeat tone that one can muster within the confines of a few hundred characters, I posted on our restaurant page announcing the closing. It would’ve been rude and unprofessional to ignore comments to this post. Especially since several were from loyal customers sad about our news. So I responded. Another exception to my “posting fast.”
That weekend, I was supposed to fly from Indy to San Diego to run the SD Half Marathon with Natalie. Many of my NorCal friends were set to run the Livermore Valley Half and Brazen Racing’s Badger Cove Half/10K/5K that same weekend. All were cancelled. Social media was where the news first broke. One of the posts shared the email notification from my fave local race director/friends who own Brazen Racing. I literally cried after reading their email not just about this one race cancellation, but about the impact on their family’s livelihood if cancellations continue. *BTW, sign up for their remote races and support local biz! In the following days, race after race all over the world dropped like flies including Boston. I was looking forward to conquering that Torrey Pines beast of a hill with Natalie in our third La Jolla Half. Cancelled. The 10th Anniversary Carmel Marathon on April 4th and marathon #53 for me was postponed to June 14th. It was just announced this morning that the Tokyo Olympics has been postponed to 2021.
Speaking of postponed, we just got official word of UC Berkeley’s May commencement – this after all in-person classes were cancelled a few weeks ago including the one Meagan was teaching and had worked so hard to prepare. My momma heart is just so sad for Meagan. I keep saying stupid mom stuff like “At least you didn’t pay for your cap and gown yet. It could be worse. Think about all the people who have to postpone weddings.” Could it get any worse? Then we find out from the vet that Oski has cancerous tumors on his spleen and has 4-6 weeks.
This is all unchartered territory for everyone. As I’ve been complying with our state’s shelter in place mandate since it was announced last Monday (has it only been 8 days??), I’ve had an inordinate amount of time to reflect as well as feel completely useless. I’d love to say that during this time I got caught up with friends and books, that I made recipes I’d been wanting to try for years, that I spent countless glorious hours in private worship and prayer time. Instead, I’ve felt numb, guilty, selfish, and without purpose.
The final blow came a few hours ago when Dave informed me that our long time friend’s husband just lost his battle with cancer two days ago. Her text also said “bad timing” because due to the current quarantine restrictions, she and their three kids were not allowed to be at his bedside. No words.
Strange how humor and levity surface at dark moments like this one. In my head I just heard myself say in that Chandler Bing way “Could this BE any worse?”
So here I am. I decided my “fast” from blogging and social media was no longer serving its intended purpose. In fact, it was having the opposite effect. I was distancing myself from making meaningful connections. I was ignoring opportunities to encourage others. I wasn’t bringing glory to God by sheltering in spiritual place. Years ago I told my third graders that Lent wasn’t just about giving stuff up; it was more about what you replaced it with. Living in a void or vacuum does not draw you closer to Jesus or others.
My last blog post was titled “Made for More.” Funny how I was so amped up after that one! Amped up to be the encourager that Jesus called me to be! A month later I’m sitting here in quarantine wondering how the heck I’m supposed to encourage others when my biggest daily achievements now are finishing a puzzle, and on a good day, putting on a bra. Instead of going from zero to sixty, it feels like I went from sixty to zero in one month flat. Why am I telling you all this? How is ANY of this encouraging?
It’s so easy to be discouraged lately. It’s one fast downward spiral if left unchecked. My break from blogging and social media became a really good excuse to socially distance myself. I didn’t feel like I had the appropriate words or responses for everything that was going on around me or the world. I still don’t.
You don’t need me to post another article, picture of empty toilet paper shelves, or meme. Although there are some really genius, hilarious memes out there. Thank you for the much needed laughs – you know who you are.
This past year with my dad’s passing then all the challenges associated with getting my mom acclimated to her new normal has wrecked me. Now when I hear heartbreaking news, I literally cry. Big ugly tears at times. So many triggers. Oh who am I kidding… Literally EVERYthing makes me cry these days. But the solution is not to distance and isolate myself. I don’t know when, but we WILL come out of this quarantine season. And when we do, I hope I emerge as someone who reached deeper for meaningful connections, looked harder for light in the dark places, and trusted fiercely in the One who is and always will be good.
Lastly, being the friend and germaphobe that I am, I’d like to offer you some free virus protection:
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.” Psalm 91:1-4 NLT
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his great power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can fight against the devil’s evil tricks. 12 Our fight is not against people on earth but against the rulers and authorities and the powers of this world’s darkness, against the spiritual powers of evil in the heavenly world. 13 That is why you need to put on God’s full armor. Then on the day of evil you will be able to stand strong. And when you have finished the whole fight, you will still be standing. 14 So stand strong, with the belt of truth tied around your waist and the protection of right living on your chest. 15 On your feet wear the Good News of peace to help you stand strong. 16 And also use the shield of faith with which you can stop all the burning arrows of the Evil One. 17 Accept God’s salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 Pray in the Spirit at all times with all kinds of prayers, asking for everything you need. To do this you must always be ready and never give up. Always pray for all God’s people.” Ephesians 6:10-18 NCV
“Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.” Ephesians 6:13-18 MSG
“So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24 MSG