Contrary to popular belief, I don’t always wear lime green when I run. Although I have worn my favorite lime green shirt a lot recently – the one with my life verse: “…and let us run with endurance the race set before us.” Hebrews 12:1

I had to pull that one out as a personal reminder for why I’m still running. Motivation has been a struggle after getting back to Indy after an extended NorCal stay. Post wedding blues is a thing, right? All perfectly normal but harder than anticipated to get back into some semblance of purposeful training and well…just going about my day.

Nothing like your daughter’s wedding and a slightly tight mother-of-the-bride dress to keep you accountable for a solid five months. But you know what? It was the kind of accountability and training I enjoy. Love. Crave. Need. So when I got back to the nest, it once again had that empty feeling like when both girls left for college only this time I was retired from teaching which had been my calling and identity after motherhood. I did adopt one other identity during those magical years in between when Nat and Meg were teens and I was Mrs. Tang, the teacher. That identity was marathoner.

Fast forward to the last couple of weeks…

I had it in my mind to run my tenth back-to-back New Year’s Eve/Day half marathons as was my tradition for putting an exclamation mark on a year of races as well as turning the page to a new year. This year was special as the races would truly be back-to-back. The last time the race days straddled a Saturday was ten years ago and were actually my very first trail races ever. A hundred+ trail halfs later, I’m sitting here anxious, wishy-washy, unmotivated, and downright depressed about running. I didn’t even register early to get the early bird pricing like I’ve obsessively done the last ten years. I didn’t register at all until two days before the races. Pretty sure I was waiting until the last minute for some excuse to not run. Rain, mud, cold, injury…hold on, is my knee flaring up from when Miles ran into it a month ago? Wait, I just coughed…maybe I’m coming down with something. I’m literally rolling my eyes at myself now. C’mon, you’re fine.

I wore that lime green shirt on my last 10 mile training run before the New Year’s Eve race. My way of assigning a purpose for the run which also took on the form of a cry to the Lord: “Please don’t let me give up!” And I didn’t just mean in running. Daily life. Ongoing prayers for friends and family. Relationships. Business. Career. Identity.

Funny thing happened at what I thought was the end of mile 8. That internal dialogue of rationalizing 9 was enough kicked in since wind chill and quad tightness did as well. I literally asked God “Does it really matter to you if I finish 9 vs 10 miles?” I intentionally had not looked at my Garmin the entire run since I was very familiar with the hilly one mile loops. I glanced at my watch to confirm I was about to shortchange my goal and was surprised to see 9.80 miles instead of the 8.80 I thought I had completed. This may not seem like a big deal – I mean it’s really not in terms of physical training – but it meant the world to me at that point, on that day. It was the tailwind of encouragement I needed to finish the ten miles I’d set out to run. Can we take a moment here an acknowledge that under counting miles rarely happens? There’s been plenty of times I thought I’d run MORE than I had…UGHHHH, the mental struggle when you realize you’re not at the mile marker you thought…or hoped.

I drove home feeling a boost of adrenaline and like I could conquer the world. Okay, that’s a mild exaggeration, but mostly I was feeling humbled that the God of the universe knew my exact mileage, my self-defeating thoughts, my remaining distance to the finish line, and how to tie it all together in a way that would draw me back to His purpose for me being out there in the first place: put Him in first place.

Most folks think retirement will be one glorious moment after another. For sure, it can be – maybe. As one who’s semi-retired, craves structure, and obsessively colors inside the lines, some days are just depressing. I know I’m guilty of grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side mentality, but I do miss the days when I had to get my class out to recess at 9:35, run copies of math tests, forage in the science closet for last minute lab supplies, submit attendance/absences, check parent emails, and most importantly, pee before picking up my class at 9:50. The well-trained bladder of a teacher takes years to master. To this day, I still have to pee around 9:45 no matter where I am or what I’m doing.

Does God know I miss the classroom? Does He see that it was the last time I felt daily calling and purpose? Absolutely. And how do I know this? A race bib. My New Year’s Day half marathon race number was 555. Let me first preface this next part by saying I did not do any sort of extensive research nor do I wish to make something outta nothing. I do, however, enjoy when a bib number is a cool verse like getting bib 1010 or when my hotel room number at Napa Marathon was 1010. “I have come that they may have life to the full.” John 10:10

So as I was drinking my pre-race coffee, a quick google search pointed out that Jesus’ name is five letters as well as key words such as grace and mercy. Hmmm. Nothing mind blowing, yet interesting. I finished my coffee and headed out in the dark as I had decided to do the earlier hiker start which would allow me to finish my race an hour sooner since I wanted to stop by my sister’s house for a New Year’s Day visit before heading back to Indy. The previous morning’s regular race start was filled with way more runners, familiar faces, hugs, less frost on the ground, and much anticipation for the new year. The vibe on January 1st was much calmer and colder as expected of the earlier start time. Only a few familiar faces at the start line. The starting horn blasted and we were off running the same course as the previous day but reverse direction.

The lake was just starting to glisten as the early morning fog was lifting. I’ve run this race course dozens of times and each time discover new favorite vistas. One advantage of an earlier start time is the glorious sunrise and this one did not disappoint. When the sun fully rose over the hills, it was almost blinding. It reminded me of the apostle Paul whose life changing, mind blowing conversion came on the road to Damascus through a literal blinding light. Somedays I feel like I need God to be THAT literal with me. To shine His light during the darkest of times. To reveal His will when I feel in the dark. To answer the cries of my heart when all I see is darkness. Light is a five letter word. As I ran, I now focused on that word and how Jesus is the Light of the world. World is a five letter word. The Holy Spirit reminded me that God so loved each one of us in this world that He gave His one and only Son. I started praying for friends and family to know deeply how much they are loved by their Creator. Loved is a five letter word. Every time I see a red ribbon course marker, I’m reminded that it is by His stripes we are healed and forgiven. Stripe and blood are five letter words. Around every corner, with each mile, five letter words came to mind. Faith. Trust. Power. Truth. Praise. This went on and on for thirteen miles. I told Dave later that this would’ve been a fun classroom activity. Field trip, for sure. Does God know I miss teaching? Absolutely.

As for that daily calling and purpose, perhaps it’s not an activity, event, job, accomplishments, or checking everything off the to-do list. I’ve been guilty of picking and choosing the parts of Scripture I want to see – neglecting crucial course markers like the ones I’ve relied on in some pretty gnarly terrain. Easy to get off course without even realizing it until you’re in unfamiliar and potentially dangerous territory. The verse right after Hebrews 12:1 is one of those crucial course markers I’ve often missed:

“We do THIS by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.”

“THIS” is running with endurance, finishing strong with what ever God gives you and where ever God puts you regardless of your mood that day or which way the wind is blowing. Guess what? Daily calling and purpose are also not a feeling. Much like so many days I didn’t feel like sticking to my training plan or showing up to races lately, I can’t rely on whether I feel like getting out there or not. *Sidenote: this 55 year old’s hormonal mood swings are also not to be relied upon.

Yesterday God used these words through my friend Erin to get me to open up my laptop: “You help me see Him in the details. Keep sharing my friend.” My OCD self really wishes “friend” was a five letter word. Lol. Hey, laugh is five letters. So is write, story, and build. Here you go, Erin!

And here’s to pressing onward in 2022, seeing God in the details every mile, every turn, every step, every word.

“I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.” Philippians 3:12-14 MSG